How to Choose a Couples Sex Toy: A Beginner's Guide
Shopping for your first couples toy can feel a little overwhelming — there are hundreds of options, a lot of marketing hype, and not a lot of plain, honest guidance. This guide fixes that. We’ll walk through the handful of things that actually matter when you’re choosing a toy as a couple, so you can pick something you’ll both feel good about — without the guesswork.
No explicit content, no pressure — just a practical, judgment-free buyer’s guide for beginners.
This guide is research-based, not hands-on — see how we review.
Quick take: the four things that matter most are body-safe materials, the type of toy (and what you want it for), how it’s controlled (manual, remote, or app/long-distance), and a few practical details like noise, waterproofing and charging. Get those right and you’ve filtered out the great majority of the bad buys.
Before you buy: start with a conversation
The best “feature” of any couples toy is that you both actually want to use it. A five-minute, low-pressure chat about what you’re each curious about — and what’s off the table — makes the buying decision easier and the experience better. Keep it opt-in, keep it fun, and treat the first toy as an experiment rather than a commitment.
The 4 things that actually matter
1. Body-safe materials (this one is non-negotiable)
Anything going near your body should be made from a non-porous, body-safe material. The reliable options:
- 100% silicone (medical-grade) — soft, non-porous, easy to sanitize. The most popular choice for good reason.
- ABS plastic — hard, non-porous, great for buzzy, pinpoint vibration.
- Borosilicate glass and stainless steel — non-porous, body-safe, and good for temperature play.
What to avoid: porous materials like jelly rubber, PVC, and “TPR/TPE” blends, and anything vaguely labeled “novelty” — porous materials can trap bacteria and may contain phthalates. If a listing won’t clearly tell you the material, treat that as a red flag.
Why it matters: phthalates — the plasticizers used to soften cheap materials — are documented endocrine disruptors (peer-reviewed review, Healthcare, 2021). In the US, most intimate products are sold as unregulated “novelty” items, so nobody is required to verify what’s actually in them. UK and EU buyers have more protection on paper: REACH restricts four specific phthalates (DEHP, DBP, BBP, DIBP) to under 0.1% by weight in consumer articles (SATRA, 2019) — but that’s a cap on a handful of named chemicals, not a general safety check, and it depends on manufacturers actually complying. Wherever you’re buying from, clinical guidance written for ob-gyns (Obstetrics & Gynecology, 2019) lands on the same rule we use here: stick to non-porous, body-safe materials from brands that disclose them.
2. The type of toy — and what it’s for
For couples, most first toys fall into a few buckets. Match the type to the moment you actually want it for:
| If you want… | Look at… |
|---|---|
| Something to use together, hands-free, during closeness | Wearable couples vibrators |
| To hand control to your partner in the same room | Remote-control toys |
| To stay connected across distance (different cities/countries) | App-controlled (Bluetooth/Wi-Fi) toys |
3. How it’s controlled (manual, remote, or app)
Control style is where couples toys really differ:
- Manual — simplest, cheapest, most reliable. Great if you just want to try the category.
- Remote control — one partner drives; fun for in-the-room play. No app, so nothing to set up.
- App-controlled — connects over Bluetooth (nearby) or the internet (long-distance) so a partner can control it from anywhere. Best for long-distance relationships, but adds an app, an account, and a few privacy considerations (see below). If that’s the category you’re in, our roundup of app-controlled vibrators for couples compares five of them on exactly these points — and our We-Vibe Sync 2 review works through one of them in full.
4. The practical details people forget
- Noise — if discretion matters (roommates, thin walls, travel), look for “quiet”/“whisper” ratings.
- Waterproofing — “splashproof” ≠ “submersible.” Fully waterproof (IPX7) is easier to clean and shower-friendly.
- Battery & charging — rechargeable (USB/magnetic) beats disposable batteries for cost and power. Check charge time and run time.
- Size & intensity — for a first toy, start smaller and less intense. You can always size up later; it’s harder to enjoy something that’s too much on day one.
Do you actually need an app?
App control is the headline feature on a lot of couples toys, but it’s only worth the added setup if you’ll use what it’s for: control at a distance. If the two of you are usually in the same room, a remote-control toy does the same job with less friction — no account, no pairing, no app update to install the night you wanted to use it. Reach for app control when you’re genuinely apart — different cities, travel, a long-distance stretch — where handing your partner control over the internet is the whole point. Our long-distance intimacy guide covers that situation specifically, and our app-controlled roundup names the toys built for it. If you’re not sure yet, that’s a reason to start simpler and cheaper, not more complicated.
Lube & compatibility (a 30-second rule)
Use a water-based lubricant with silicone toys — silicone lube can degrade silicone over time. Water-based is the safe default for almost everything and is easy to reapply. (Glass and steel are compatible with any lube.)
Cleaning, storage & body safety
- Clean before and after every use — warm water and a mild, fragrance-free soap for most toys; a dedicated toy cleaner is a nice-to-have.
- Store separately — keep silicone toys from touching each other; a cotton pouch or a dedicated case prevents dust and material reactions.
What to spend — and what more money buys
Set a budget before you fall down a product-page rabbit hole, but treat it as a floor as much as a ceiling. Among established makers that clearly disclose a body-safe material, app-controlled couples toys realistically run from around $99 to about $219 — that’s the span our roundup of app-controlled vibrators for couples covers (prices checked 21 Jul 2026). Drop much below that floor and you’re usually leaving the world of makers who’ll tell you plainly what the toy is made of — which, per rule #1 above, is exactly where you don’t want to economise.
Higher up the range, the extra money mostly buys more control hardware, not a safer or more reliable toy: a physical remote, a pressure-sensitive squeeze control, a movement-reactive mode. Those can be genuinely worth it if you’ll use them — but they don’t make the toy any more body-safe, and they don’t guarantee better battery. In our We-Vibe Chorus vs Sync 2 comparison, the cheaper of the two actually runs longer per charge. For a first purchase, spend enough to clear the body-safe bar and get a rechargeable motor, and stay skeptical that anything beyond that is buying more than features you might not use.
Buying it safely
Where you buy matters almost as much as what you buy. Counterfeits and mislabelled materials are a known problem for popular intimate products, and open marketplaces — where many third-party sellers list under a single product page — are a common place for them to show up. Two habits keep you out of trouble: buy from the manufacturer’s own store, or a retailer the manufacturer names as authorised, and be wary of any listing whose price is dramatically below everyone else’s or whose material description is vague or absent. A genuine body-safe toy from an established brand has nothing to hide about what it’s made of — a listing that won’t say is telling you something.
A quick word on privacy (especially app-controlled toys)
App-controlled toys are wonderful for long distance — but you’re installing an app and creating an account, so it’s worth a two-minute privacy check: what data the app collects, whether video/media is stored, and how connections are secured. Brand reputation alone isn’t a guarantee. Connected sex toys have a real track record of privacy and security questions. In 2016 a lawsuit accused Standard Innovation — the company that made We-Vibe at the time — of collecting detailed usage data through its app, including dates and times of use, intensity settings and the email addresses of registered owners, and of concealing that it did so (The Guardian, 2016). The company acknowledged collecting “certain limited data” but said it used that data “in an aggregate, non-identifiable form”; the reporting we cite is from the time of filing and we have not verified how the case concluded. In July 2025 a security researcher publicly reported that a different maker, Lovense, was exposing users’ email addresses through its app and carried a flaw that allowed accounts to be taken over (TechCrunch, 2025). The researcher went public after Lovense asked for fourteen months to fix the flaws, and the report’s account is that they were not fully fixed at that point; after publication Lovense said the takeover bug had been fully addressed and that a fix for the email exposure was expected within the week. As with the 2016 case, we have not verified how it was resolved. Neither case turned on exotic hacking — both were about how data was disclosed and how accounts were secured. Before you connect a toy to an app: check what the privacy policy says it collects, use a strong password you don’t reuse elsewhere, keep the app updated, and skip account features (cloud storage, chat, video) you don’t need — many app-controlled toys still work over local Bluetooth without an account at all.
The simple way to decide
Still stuck? Use this shortcut:
- Body-safe material? If it’s not clearly silicone/ABS/glass/steel, skip it.
- What’s the moment? Together in the room → remote or wearable. Apart → app-controlled.
- Rechargeable + quiet enough + waterproof enough for your life?
- Start small. Your first toy is a test, not a marriage.
FAQ
What’s the best couples sex toy for total beginners? Start with a simple, body-safe wearable or remote-control toy that’s rechargeable and quiet. Avoid anything large or high-intensity for a first purchase.
Do we need an app? Only if you want long-distance control. If you’re together in the same room, a remote-control (no-app) toy is simpler.
Are couples toys safe to use? Yes, when you choose body-safe materials, use water-based lube with silicone, clean before and after use, and follow the maker’s instructions. That lines up with published clinical guidance — for example, American Family Physician’s guidance for women who have sex with women recommends cleaning toys between uses and using a fresh barrier when sharing one (American Family Physician, 2017).
How much should we spend on a first toy? Enough to get a body-safe material and a rechargeable motor — beyond that, more expensive isn’t automatically better for beginners. Focus on fit for your situation, not the spec sheet.
Related reading: Keeping intimacy alive long-distance → · How we review →
This article is for adults 18+. It is general information, not medical advice.