How to Bring Up Trying a Sex Toy With Your Partner

By Alex Hart · Last updated 2026-07-25

In a study of 104 long-term heterosexual couples, how much partners told each other about what they liked in bed predicted how satisfied both of them were with their sex lives (MacNeil & Byers, 2009). Bringing up a sex toy is one small, concrete instance of that kind of disclosure, which is a good reason to push through the awkwardness of raising it. Here is a calm, low-drama way to do that, including what to do if the answer is not an immediate yes.

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Quick take: pick a relaxed moment outside the bedroom, frame it as curiosity about the two of you rather than a fix for a problem, be specific about what appeals to you, and treat it as the opening of a conversation rather than a single yes-or-no ask. The awkwardness is normal and usually comes from fear of judgment, not from the idea itself. Sharing what you like, openly and kindly, is one of the better-supported routes to a more satisfying sex life.

Why it feels awkward (and why that’s normal)

If the thought of raising this makes you tense, you’re having a completely ordinary reaction. The discomfort tends to come from anticipating judgment rather than from anything about toys. In one study of couples, higher social anxiety was tied to a stronger fear of intimacy, which was tied in turn to less satisfaction with open sexual communication, and then to lower sexual satisfaction overall (Montesi et al., 2013). The takeaway isn’t that something is wrong with you. It’s that the fear of being judged is the actual obstacle, and it’s a shared human one. Naming it out loud, even just saying “this feels a little awkward to bring up,” tends to shrink it.

Why it’s worth bringing up anyway

The avoidance is understandable, and it also has a cost. The same body of research that explains the awkwardness points to what openness buys you.

Telling a partner what you like turns out to be one of the more reliable ingredients in a satisfying sex life. MacNeil and Byers’s 2009 study found the effect ran mostly through a more rewarding sexual “script”, the pattern of what a couple actually does together (MacNeil & Byers, 2009). A later study of committed couples found the same link between a person’s own openness and their own satisfaction (Rehman et al., 2011). And a large 2022 meta-analysis of 93 studies and nearly 38,500 people found that couples’ sexual communication was among the strongest predictors of both sexual and relationship satisfaction, with the quality of the conversation mattering more than how often it happened (Mallory, 2022).

There’s a gentler reason too. Trying something new together, as a shared experience, is good for a relationship on its own. In a classic set of studies, couples who did a novel, mildly exciting activity together reported a bigger lift in relationship quality than couples who did something routine (Aron et al., 2000). That research was about shared novelty in general rather than toys specifically, so treat it as an analogy, not proof. Still, the logic travels: exploring something together, with curiosity, is a bonding act in itself.

How to actually bring it up

There’s no perfect script, but a few things make it far easier.

Pick the right moment. Not in bed, not mid-argument, not as a surprise during sex. A relaxed, clothed, unhurried moment lowers the stakes, which matters most for whichever of you finds the topic harder.
Lead with curiosity, not critique. “I’ve been curious about trying something together” lands very differently from “our sex life needs help.” Frame it as an idea about the two of you, not a report card.
Be specific, and own it as yours. Vague hints invite worst-case guessing. Naming what appeals to you, and why, is exactly the kind of self-disclosure the research links to more satisfying sex. “I think it could be fun to try X” is clear and generous.
Make it a two-way conversation. Ask what they think, and mean it. Quality of communication beats quantity, so leave room for their reaction, their questions, and their own ideas.
Keep the stakes low. “No pressure at all, just an idea I wanted to share” gives both of you an easy exit and makes a real yes more likely. Present it as the start of a conversation, not a decision that has to happen tonight.

If your partner hesitates or says no

A pause or a “not right now” is information, not a rejection of you. Consent researchers increasingly describe consent as an ongoing, communicative process rather than a single yes-or-no moment (Glace et al., 2021), and the same is true of a conversation like this one. A no today can become a curious yes later, once there’s been time to think and talk.

Two rules keep this healthy. Never push, guilt, or wear someone down; the only willingness worth having is freely given, and pressure poisons exactly the closeness you’re trying to build. And if the hesitation turns out to be about a deeper difference in how much each of you wants sex, that is common and workable on its own terms. In Britain’s Natsal-3 survey, about 23% of men and 27% of women in a relationship reported a mismatch in how much they and their partner wanted sex, while only around one in ten people reported feeling distressed about their sex life at all (Mitchell et al., 2013). We cover that case in mismatched sex drives.

If you both want to try one

Once you’re both curious, the next steps are practical:

Start with our beginner’s guide to choosing a couples toy, which walks through materials, type, control, and the details people forget.
If you’re wondering whether a toy will actually change much, we went through the honest evidence in do sex toys improve your sex life?.
For couples living apart, our research comparison of app-controlled vibrators for couples documents five models built for different control situations.

The conversation is the real win here. The toy is just one nice thing it can lead to.

FAQ

How do I bring up sex toys without making it weird? Pick a relaxed moment outside the bedroom, lead with curiosity about the two of you rather than a complaint, be specific about what appeals to you, and make it a two-way conversation. Research on couples finds that openly sharing what you like is linked to more satisfying sex, and that the awkwardness usually comes from fear of judgment rather than from the idea itself.

What if my partner says no? Treat it as information, not rejection. Consent works as an ongoing conversation, so a “not now” isn’t a “never.” Don’t push; the only willingness worth having is the kind that’s freely given. And if the real issue turns out to be a difference in desire, that’s common and separately workable.

When’s a good time to bring it up? A low-pressure, unhurried moment when you’re both relaxed and clothed, not in bed and not in the middle of an argument. Lower-stakes settings make an honest conversation much easier, especially for whichever of you finds the topic more nerve-wracking.

Why is it so awkward to talk about? Mostly fear of being judged. Research links social anxiety and fear of intimacy to avoiding open sexual communication, which in turn tracks with lower satisfaction. Naming the awkwardness out loud often takes the edge off it.

This article is for adults 18+. It is general information, not medical or relationship-counseling advice.